No
one follows the same path. Good advice for one person can be horrible
advice for another. And to bring this into a slightly twisted
way of considering it, in order for a map to be of any value,
the person using it needs to know how to read a map.
This
is not some deep philosophical puzzle. I’m not asking you to search
where the wind blows or begin at the end of the rainbow. Instead,
when it comes to those looking back and giving that hypothetical
advice to your younger self challenges… well… what makes you so
certain you’d listen? Why would giving your younger self a map
matter if your younger self doesn’t care about the map?
Have
you ever considered advice? You know, when you hear it, have you
thought about it? It seems like it could be helpful. It seems
like it could be powerful. But more often than not it really sounds
cliché and not that helpful. Things about following dreams,
being true to yourself and what you believe, and that things will
get better. Good stuff. Doesn’t warn me about avoiding some relationships,
trusting others, and whether or not a few investments would have
been wise to avoid.
Still,
I’m not trying to make fun of that advice or make it seem out
of line.
For
someone young and still trying to get secure footing when it comes
to finding any amount of self-confidence, knowing that things
will be better can be wonderful. But let’s be realistic for a
moment… when you fall into an age range of say fourteen to eighteen,
it’s really hard to conceptualize that the security and heights
of better is still twenty years away from arriving.
And
following dreams while being true to yourself? Without context,
honestly, that seems about as helpful as a saddled unicorn pointed
toward the rainbow just up the road. Sounds wonderful. Not that
practical.
Friend
of mine and his wife just had one of those life moments. Daughter’s
boyfriend asked to see them, came over, and nervously expressed
his intentions to propose to their daughter. Overall, he was apparently
delightfully awkward. The candidate for son-in-law was nervous,
and he was trying to be respectful to her parents and family while
at the same time expressing that he felt it was completely the
daughter’s decision. They already liked him, but this was just
lovely for them.
That
understood, my friend is a bit nervous. Both of them are students
in college, with about two years of studies remaining at minimum.
Young. That understood, the boy has been phenomenal. Everything
you would hope your child would find in a partner and relationship.
What he really wonders though, is why they’re getting married.
Not
that he doesn’t want it. Not because he has doubts. Rather, he
wonders if they’ve viewed it from the perspective of the difficult
times. Marriages are about communication, support and sacrifice.
He feels… and I agree… that sacrifice is usually the biggie. Putting
the relationship and needs of the partner above personal ambitions.
And he doesn’t know that either of them have faced dilemmas in
a way that really demonstrates how they’ll handle problem solving
as a couple.
Yes,
kind of a summary of it all. But more to the point, he’s not expecting
his daughter to have a unicorn and a rainbow handy the first time
they need to arrive at a major decision when each person wants
something different.
Now,
there is an overlap in these wanderings. There is a reason why
going back in time with self-advice and thinking about a friend’s
daughter getting engaged are similar. His words (basically):
“A
few years ago, you and I were talking about advice to younger
selves. You said there was nothing you’d tell your younger self.
The main reason for that was you’d never listen to advice provided
by you using time travel. Even if you could convince your younger
self that it was you, or that the message was from you, it would
be hard for you to not be suspicious. Why? Why was it so important
to tell yourself to change this, do that, or stay with it?
“Plus,
you know, I’ve never been much interested in listening to feedback
I didn’t solicit. So, unless I came back with winning lottery
numbers or safe sports bets, I’m not likely to be tempted.
“My
kids are not going to listen to their parents telling them they’re
too young, that they should wait and learn more about each other,
or any other thing. All I can do is believe in them and that
they’ll think their decisions through and do what’s best.”
It’s
not perfect, or poetic, but the sentiment is there. Some stuff
you might consider, and some you might only tolerate. But if you’re
not listening, it’s background noise. It’s static. It’s a very
light hint of vanilla presented in a field of powerful flavors.
I
probably wouldn’t be listening too carefully to myself. But, if
someone doesn’t mind helping me out in getting a message back
to around 2002 about the Red Sox and the Cubs, or to pass along
a few Powerball results, I’d be grateful.