Vanilla advice to those not listening

 

No one follows the same path. Good advice for one person can be horrible advice for another. And to bring this into a slightly twisted way of considering it, in order for a map to be of any value, the person using it needs to know how to read a map.

This is not some deep philosophical puzzle. I’m not asking you to search where the wind blows or begin at the end of the rainbow. Instead, when it comes to those looking back and giving that hypothetical advice to your younger self challenges… well… what makes you so certain you’d listen? Why would giving your younger self a map matter if your younger self doesn’t care about the map?

Have you ever considered advice? You know, when you hear it, have you thought about it? It seems like it could be helpful. It seems like it could be powerful. But more often than not it really sounds cliché and not that helpful. Things about following dreams, being true to yourself and what you believe, and that things will get better. Good stuff. Doesn’t warn me about avoiding some relationships, trusting others, and whether or not a few investments would have been wise to avoid.

Still, I’m not trying to make fun of that advice or make it seem out of line.

For someone young and still trying to get secure footing when it comes to finding any amount of self-confidence, knowing that things will be better can be wonderful. But let’s be realistic for a moment… when you fall into an age range of say fourteen to eighteen, it’s really hard to conceptualize that the security and heights of better is still twenty years away from arriving.

And following dreams while being true to yourself? Without context, honestly, that seems about as helpful as a saddled unicorn pointed toward the rainbow just up the road. Sounds wonderful. Not that practical.

Friend of mine and his wife just had one of those life moments. Daughter’s boyfriend asked to see them, came over, and nervously expressed his intentions to propose to their daughter. Overall, he was apparently delightfully awkward. The candidate for son-in-law was nervous, and he was trying to be respectful to her parents and family while at the same time expressing that he felt it was completely the daughter’s decision. They already liked him, but this was just lovely for them.

That understood, my friend is a bit nervous. Both of them are students in college, with about two years of studies remaining at minimum. Young. That understood, the boy has been phenomenal. Everything you would hope your child would find in a partner and relationship. What he really wonders though, is why they’re getting married.

Not that he doesn’t want it. Not because he has doubts. Rather, he wonders if they’ve viewed it from the perspective of the difficult times. Marriages are about communication, support and sacrifice. He feels… and I agree… that sacrifice is usually the biggie. Putting the relationship and needs of the partner above personal ambitions. And he doesn’t know that either of them have faced dilemmas in a way that really demonstrates how they’ll handle problem solving as a couple.

Yes, kind of a summary of it all. But more to the point, he’s not expecting his daughter to have a unicorn and a rainbow handy the first time they need to arrive at a major decision when each person wants something different.

Now, there is an overlap in these wanderings. There is a reason why going back in time with self-advice and thinking about a friend’s daughter getting engaged are similar. His words (basically):

A few years ago, you and I were talking about advice to younger selves. You said there was nothing you’d tell your younger self. The main reason for that was you’d never listen to advice provided by you using time travel. Even if you could convince your younger self that it was you, or that the message was from you, it would be hard for you to not be suspicious. Why? Why was it so important to tell yourself to change this, do that, or stay with it?

Plus, you know, I’ve never been much interested in listening to feedback I didn’t solicit. So, unless I came back with winning lottery numbers or safe sports bets, I’m not likely to be tempted.

My kids are not going to listen to their parents telling them they’re too young, that they should wait and learn more about each other, or any other thing. All I can do is believe in them and that they’ll think their decisions through and do what’s best.

It’s not perfect, or poetic, but the sentiment is there. Some stuff you might consider, and some you might only tolerate. But if you’re not listening, it’s background noise. It’s static. It’s a very light hint of vanilla presented in a field of powerful flavors.

I probably wouldn’t be listening too carefully to myself. But, if someone doesn’t mind helping me out in getting a message back to around 2002 about the Red Sox and the Cubs, or to pass along a few Powerball results, I’d be grateful.

 

If you have any comments or questions, please e-mail me at Bob@inmybackpack.com