of mine is convinced his wife is watching him.
don’t just mean watching him. I mean, he’s convinced she’s stalking,
apps on his phone, cameras hidden all over the house, watching
are a few of the stories he has shared that support his thoughts…
early one glorious Sunday morning, his wife was headed out to
run some errands and she had plans to visit her parents for lunch.
She was going to be gone all day. Home for dinner. Left him with
a list of things she hoped he might get done.
took a look at the list and found what many of us would consider
the usual or expected items for a fall day: putting away deck
furniture, cleaning gutters and so on. What he didn’t expect was
how things would break his way. The gutters were already clean…
the loose shutters only needed a single screw replaced… shed was
basically empty so nothing needed to be removed or rearranged
before parading in and out with the furniture to store… and crossed
off the list quickly followed crossed off the list. What he expected
to be an exhausting amount of using the ladder and lugging stuff
around for eight to nine hours of work was wrapped up, even the
equipment put away, in four.
the wife out, and the list completed, he decided on a fantastic
afternoon… head out to grab a take-out sandwich, then come home
and watch a football game with no one else in the house. He even
had enough time before kickoff to stop at the grocery store before
the sandwich shop, then follow the game by making dinner for his
wife and kids.
had just pulled into the driveway from his stops when the phone
rang… his wife… she was sending her father over with his lawn
mower. It wouldn’t start, he needed it back right away because
with rain in the forecast for Tuesday he needed to get some things
done on Monday, and she was hoping he could drop everything to
fix it. As he hung up, he grabbed the bags, opened the car door
and glanced in the mirror. His father-in-law was pulling into
the driveway. It took five hours to fix the lawn mower. Didn’t
see a game, but he did split the sandwich while they worked on
time, he was out of the office for a work project. Things went
smoothly, and he ended up being done around two in the afternoon
with no reason to return to the office that day.
rings. Wife. Asking if he could do something that involved being
right around where he was. He was able to make the arrangements
easily enough to handle the errand, but lost out on enjoying a
work-free afternoon in the process.
I recognize that these two examples seem fairly basic. Nothing
really amazing or out of the ordinary in them. But I have to agree
with him, because things like this happen to him two or three
times a week, without fail. It’s as if his wife knows exactly
when he is grabbing a cup of coffee and a quick break at work…
exactly where he is at all times, and calls with extra stops or
requests within a mile or two of his location… heck, exactly when
the commercial comes on during a game. It’s uncanny.
time, I needed to fix something at my house. I could handle the
work, but needed a helping hand with the items I had to purchase.
The first stop for us didn’t have one particular item, and he
was very picky about recommending a specific brand for it. So,
we drove about twenty-five miles to another store. As we pulled
into the parking lot at store number two, the phone rang. His
wife was hoping he could head to a store to pick something up
when he was done working with me.
where the store was? Bonus points if you knew we were staring
at its sign while he talked to her, because it was directly across
laughs about it. He’s won money from me, and other friends, betting
on his cell phone going off. He created a slot machine jackpot
ringtone, set it to his wife’s contact, and went five-for-five
in bets with that ringtone before we just completely stopped wagering
on it with him.
time she was with my wife and I, and she called to tell him to
meet us for dinner. She had been away from him for four hours,
had no clue what he had been doing, and told him to change his
shirt before heading out. I did ask… and he was wearing a torn
t-shirt when she called.
I could relay all of the stories, you would be convinced there
are cameras in every room of their home, and likely the yard…
a find-my-phone or such app installed on his cell… and more. You
thing is, he doesn’t care.
an amazing woman. And as hysterical as her abilities are, they
honestly never really cross a line. They’re impressive. Still…
are moments when I think he would really love an empty house,
game on the TV, and a sandwich… along with some type of storm
that disrupted carrier service so she couldn’t call.