It’s
not an event you’re upset about attending, but it definitely wouldn’t
be an evening you’d design in any way on your own.
Gathering
of family and friends. A work event. Something for the local community,
such as a program at the school. The reasons for it are fairly
dry. Not getting together for a barbecue or to play some cards.
Not meeting for a drink or dinner. Most of the people attending
will not be those you see often, text often, e-mail or call often.
You’ll
spot someone. Someone you haven’t been around since the last evening
event gathering of this sort. Handshake. Perhaps a hug. Either
way, a friendly and even welcomed greeting between folks that
get along.
The
reality is, as far as your relationship with those in attendance,
this once every year or three catching up happens just often enough.
And, possibly, more often than you care for by a rate of every
year or three. If you didn’t see some of these folks for five
to ten years, you would never on a random afternoon look toward
your significant other and begin a “you know who we need to catch
up with” conversation about any of them.
And
yes, there may even be some in attendance you may not care about
ever seeing again in any circumstance. Never ever and out of mind
for good would be fine.
Then
someone offers a bit more. Maybe during the goodbyes. A call me.
An it’s been good seeing you, we should catch up another time.
A let’s get together invitation. And within this offer comes the
real question.
Do
you intend to call? Were you just being polite, and even from
before the words fully formed and exchanged, you already knew
no one planned to follow through? You shake hands or hug one more
time, say it’s been great, agree it would be good to do again
soon, and walk away knowing no time needs to be cleared on the
calendar.
The
need to be polite, but it will not happen conversation wrap up.
Why?
Why
do we do it?
We
can still be pleasant, talk for four or five minutes, hug it out
and walk away without the offer. But there it is. Some type of
summation that it’s been fantastic seeing them, a shame it took
a while to happen and the once every year or three has been too
long, so let’s see if we can change that. Followed by the sure
let’s change it response.
What
is it with the things we say that – in any way, seemingly small
and casual or large and significant – we don’t mean?
Maybe
I should add a clarification here. After all, you might meet some
folks that you wouldn’t mind catching up with. And likewise, you
might see some people you had been told wouldn’t be there, and
their attendance shattered the evening and created a miserable
event.
So,
let’s be clear, this isn’t about your sister’s brother-in-law
that had to be invited but absolutely no one likes. It doesn’t
involve your former boss, the emperor jackass. It’s an offer to
help that you hope will never be accepted. It’s the prospect of
an afternoon of conversation where you would rather be prepping
for a colonoscopy. All potentially necessary, none of them really
approached as a fun investment of time and effort.
You
have no intentions of following up.
When
do we reach the point where we eliminate the polite invite from
our actions? Do we ever? Do any of us act in a way where there
is never any vague and unoccupied middle ground? Or, do we have
at least a small number of instances where we walk away from the
handshake hoping that we won’t have our phone ring in a week or
two to finalize the details?
I
was talking to some friends about twenty years ago. Thirty years
ago, we were all hanging out together on a regular basis. Dinner
two or three nights a week. Heading out to movies and concerts
and more involved some combination from the same overall group,
with everyone likely having been invited early on in the ticket
buying process. But now, life had settled in.
Moves.
Jobs. Marriages. Kids. Schedules that never matched up. And the
close relationship has slid to having each other’s phone numbers
and addresses, then on to the like/share social media exchange.
Still able to trust each other and close in spirit, but not an
everyday expected presence.
Want
to see your life change? Wait for the kids to move out of the
house and to another state. Suddenly, vacation time needs to be
invested not in family get aways, but family get togethers. The
opportunity to visit friends once a year for the annual amazing
celebration, while a fantastic thought, suffers by being placed
in a priority list against seeing the kids.
Someone
I’ve know for years is in this limbo. He has a wife and two children.
Also has two grandchildren. His job offers a lot of well-paying
overtime, and he likes his toys (usually with no less than six
cylinders and very low miles-per-gallon when being used as intended).
He and his wife have a cabin out in the middle of nowhere, and
when he’s not working his job or entertaining the grandchildren,
his most favorite place to be is at that cabin fiddling with wood
piles and whether or not to finally build a new shed for his ATV
and snowmobile. (Second most favorite is heading to the same cabin,
to spend a weekend building the same covering for a wood pile,
but this time with his wife joining him instead of heading up
alone.)
There
are relationships where we often go several years without a sighting.
Maybe birthday or special event texts. Absolutely zero judgement
or issues. We have our preferences and he has his. Simple. Priorities,
not avoidance.
On
the extreme end of this stuff, I just find it slightly off-balance
and borderline insulting when folks that have made almost a highly
polished skill and point of pride out of avoiding you suddenly
want to get together.
Where
do we land on all of this? I don’t know. Probably still offering
pleasant handshakes and hugs while hoping the phone doesn’t ring.
And
I suppose that’s fine. (Except for the colonoscopy. If you’re
due, make that call.)