About
a year ago, late in the summer to be precise, a wedding took place.
I’d
say a friend got married, which would be true, but also might
imply a level of connection that suggests an invitation for the
event was expected (or even offered). Truth being I’ve known the
groom for several years, and have met the bride a handful of times.
On good terms with both. Terry knows the couple as well. If pressed
for some definition, sure, I consider them friends. However, I
really don’t believe that any of us have such a relationship that
Terry or I ever would have been in conversations for inclusion
on a guest list.
Point
being… we know the stars of the show… did not attend the show…
did not pass on attending the show.
Someone
we know, however, did go to the wedding. Her contention was that
it was easily the worst wedding she has ever attended. And, she
says it would be hard to ever knock this event from such lofty
status, since the centerpiece of her argument involves what she
believes was a total lack of respect for anyone attending combined
with a complete unawareness of there being any issues taking place.
The
fun began about four months ahead of the festivities with the
arrival of not one, but two separate save-the-date cards. The
first card stated one specific date, with the second offering
three possible dates including the one noted on the first card.
My
friend says that her husband told her the day she opened the second
notice that she should make plans or a list of excuses as quickly
as possible for all of the potential dates. He knew of save-the-date
cards. He had never previously been sent a single save-the-date
card for any event. He viewed these two arrivals for one wedding…
with the date options expanding in the process… as indicators
a storm was forming.
She
decided her husband was quite likely on to something about four
weeks later when the invitations arrived. The invite had arrived
three months ahead of the wedding date—and she loved this next
part—and set the date as the one noted on the first save-the-date
card.
The
invitation also included a line about bringing money to pay for
parking. Now, when I first heard the story, I said that actually
could be a nice piece of advice… a note on a slip with directions
that mentioned this location had a charge for parking/admission.
My friend agreed with that idea, but explained that wasn’t exactly
the case. Instead, the notice was a clunky line included on the
actual invitation. It sounded all wrong. She even showed it to
me. Here’s the general idea in my words:
Janet
Not-her-name and Thomas Not-his-either
Request the honor of your presence at their wedding
Saturday, August 11, 2018 at 1pm
At The Beach
Have $12 in cash for parking
In
hindsight, she contends that the second save-the-date card was
the first clue something was up and the invitation was the confirmation
of it. Her husband makes a very sound argument that the invitation
was a notice that he should have set aside cargo shorts to wear
and filled a cooler with beer to bring along because this was
going to be quite the show.
Morning
of the wedding arrives, and a blazing 95-degrees of pure direct
sun is forecast. Oh, but wait, it’s also a humid 95 with the potential
of thunderstorms in play.
They
arrived about ten minutes ahead of the ceremony, walked to where
the chairs had been set up, and sat down. And it was here, at
this moment, that she realized it wasn’t going to be funny and
laughable. It was obvious now that there were going to be problems.
There
was no one else seated yet.
Not
a single person. Ten minutes before the start.
Understand
this to mean no one wandering about. Slight bit of activity seemed
to be coming from the building where the food for the reception
would be placed. But here, sitting in the chairs at the location
of the actual ceremony, just the two of them.
She
knew they were in the right spot. She had seen some family members
of the bride while walking in from the parking lot and they had
pointed to the set up. This was definitely where the wedding would
take place. But ten minutes before the scheduled start time, there
was no one other than her and her husband sitting down… and, no
one else within two hundred feet of the area. No other guests.
No one from the wedding party. No ushers. No one.
She
claims these are the only two sentences uttered over the next
twenty minutes:
Her: “I know we’re in the right spot, but where are…”
Her
husband (not looking up from his phone): “I told you we should
have committed to attending a family barbecue for this weekend
three months ago.”
Five
minutes before the ceremony. No new people.
Start
time of the ceremony. Still just them.
It
was… and when telling the story she makes careful note that she
was checking times and making notes carefully in her mind so this
is accurate and true… fifteen minutes after the service was supposed
to start that a couple my friend knew wandered in and sat behind
them. A casual conversation broke out, and they admitted that
they deliberately timed it out to be fifteen to twenty minutes
late so perhaps they didn’t need to attend the service. They figured
they would be awkwardly late, a few minutes after the ten or so
minutes of the bride’s traditional few minutes late, with the
ceremony having started so it was clear they shouldn’t wander
in and interrupt. Just meander over to the reception.
The
four of them compared some general notes and made a few jokes,
which basically were built on one central issue. Why did it seem
like they were the only four that knew the ceremony slated for
1pm was not going to begin even close to 1pm? Clock had now cleared
1:30pm and there was literally no one else, not even the family
she had seen earlier, in sight.
Her
husband said if nothing happened by 1:45, the four of them should
head to their cars and go grab a meal together at a nearby restaurant.
There was a laugh at that suggestion, but she remembers it being
a slightly awkward laugh. Kind of like everyone laughing at it
thought it was a great joke, but with a bit of a hesitation to
it that indicated all four were considering the suggestion as
a real possibility and perhaps they should gather their things
at that very moment.
The
weirdest part, according to my friend, was that there a sense,
a sort of hovering cloud, over everything that there was no escape.
Every five minutes or so, from just before 1pm on, an inner voice
said something had to happen soon. It kept her in place instead
of leaving. Who wants to be the one to give up and start packing
it in just as the bride turns the corner to ask why you’re leaving?
As she put it, they almost felt invested in the process and had
to stay to see it happen.
She
knows for a fact it was 1:43pm, because she looked at her watch.
It was 1:43 when a fifth person sat down and other people began
to shuffle into the area along with a feeling that something was
starting to come together.
For
the 1pm wedding, with a weather app reporting that 96-degrees
had been reached, the groom moved into position at 2:18pm. Bride
made her appearance four minutes later.
I’ve
had the pleasure of hearing this story about ten times now. Part
of that number is that I’ve even requested it on occasion. It
does not disappoint. Best performances are those when both my
friend and her husband relay it. They know now what details the
other is going to bring to the show, and their pacing is just
perfect. It’s good stuff.
Trick
about hearing it ten times though is that I’m going to steer away
from the remainder right here. Sure, we could cover a few things…
- That
the wedding party made a miraculous disappearance from the ceremony.
Everyone thought it was for pictures. When they came to the
reception area about an hour later, the groom was mad no one
had started eating. Yup… visibly and demonstratively mad no
one started eating without the wedding party there, and with
everything in the buffet still covered (and no plates or utensils
put out).
- They
hadn’t taken their pictures, and the wedding party showed up,
spent less than ten minutes milling about the tables, then disappeared
for another hour.
- My
friend and her husband left around 5:30pm. She later learned
from someone she knew that the bride was heard complaining about
specific people, and saying she couldn’t believe how many people
had left early. She called it inconsiderate. After all, they
had dancing planned and cake and more, but a lot of people were
leaving around 5 or so. She was disappointed about that. Disappointed
that after starting almost 90-minutes late, disappearances after
the service meaning the bride and groom had been visible if
you looked for them for maybe twenty total minutes out of four
hours, not even the vaguest of hints that anything was going
to happen, people were leaving.
…but
honestly, we have enough to finish off my essay’s part of this
journey.
Back
to my friend and her husband.
After
telling this story a few times, and having several months to think
about it now and again, they’ve come to an agreement about things.
And they’ve decided the foundation of that agreement is based
on two ideas.
First,
the line about parking on the invitation. And second, that overwhelming
feeling that lasted about forty-five minutes while they sat alone
under a tent on a hot August day that there was a joke being played
and they were the only ones not in on it.
Before
I get to that agreement, however, I need to revisit my wedding
to provide what I believe is some decent context.
When
Terry and I were married, I reached out to two of my best friends.
Both of them were going to be driving several hours in order to
attend. Timing of our wedding date placed the event right in the
middle of some professional commitments for each of them. Wives
and kids, and even the care of pets, was part of their scenarios
for attending. And so, I wanted them to know I wasn’t skipping
over them by not asking them to be part of the event. We were
just thrilled that they could make it, wanted them to know how
much that meant, hoping they wouldn’t feel slighted by not being
asked to be groomsmen or ushers or to do a reading or whatever.
They
were thrilled. Specifically, one of them said not asking them
to be a part of it was the greatest wedding gift any friend has
ever given him at a wedding. They attended and enjoyed.
Now
we could dive into that entire idea, because it makes a great
story. When you consider travel, and expenses, and the investment
of time for each and every event that becomes part of a wedding,
it chews up dollars and can be incredibly time consuming. Instead
though, if I may be so bold, I want to simply nod at those events
and use it to show that we tried to acknowledge some of the things
that were going on for people when it came to our wedding. Just
attending was a big deal, and we knew that.
There’s
nothing special about Terry and I in that regard. Most couples
appreciate what family and friends do for them when it comes to
their wedding… and not just on the wedding day, but all around
it. There are sacrifices being made, and they are being made because
people care about you. If you can’t recognize that, and likely
acknowledge it, then you’ve missed out on something very important.
Worse… taking those sacrifices for granted.
Ok…
back to that two-result agreement.
Basically,
it has been decided that the bride and groom had no respect for
anyone attending that wedding.
Yes,
absolutely, stuff happens. Maybe there was car trouble or a sick
relative or some other reason the ceremony started late. The meal
service I mentioned in a side item? Caterer was involved in that,
not necessarily the bride and groom. But…
There
is a level of accountability that needs to be found. And I’ll
let my friend’s husband sum it up, because he does so quite nicely:
Anyone
that has been to a few weddings knows that chaos is an uninvited
guest at every one of them. Every wedding. Anyone that has been
involved in a wedding or two knows not only that chaos can arrive,
but that it will arrive and you had better expect it. Crap happens.
Deal with it.
But
I’ve casually known these two for some time. And what happened
at their wedding is no different than the lack of awareness
and consideration they give to others virtually all the time.
A few years from now, they’re going to be making phone calls
asking for help with something. And they’re going to be confused
by how often their calls go to voicemail or those answering
already have plans. I’m sorry to even be thinking it, but they’re
on a road to a very lonely marriage.
People
as a whole are good. Show someone you value their time and their
place in your life, and most of them will respect that. In this
case, today is just the best run of examples out of many for
how they value me. If me phone rings, I’m probably going to
explain that I’m busy and then head out to spend the afternoon
doing nothing next to our pool.