The
other day I wrote an essay: “The
microphone is always live”. At the center
of the piece was a voice mail that went on for a bit more than
the caller intended.
Today
I want to expand a bit on the idea, with a different portion considered.
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I
almost always laugh at the celebrity apology tours.
Sometimes
it’s a laugh because it’s funny… often it’s a laugh because it’s
sad and unbelievable. Because try as I might, I don’t understand
why people seem to think the apology tour changes anything (or
actually reflects any change).
Let’s
do something crazy here, and start off with an amazing truth:
Quite often, people don’t apologize because they’re sorry. They
apologize because they got caught.
The
stunning part is that for some reason, there are people that actually
seem to think that others will change. They seem to believe that
their understanding of the scenario is correct, and that others
will behave to their expectations when confronted on the issue.
They believe they will apologize… they will be disappointed in
their behavior… they will see the error in their ways and try
to do better in the future.
Mind
you, I’m not saying people don’t change, aren’t capable of change,
don’t learn and grow and think and mature. Because I do believe
people can. Instead, my mind has a hard time grasping why people
think the following outline is true:
(1)
Person makes comments that express an “-ist” mentality. (I.e.
– racist, sexist, homophobic, misogynistic, etc.)
(2)
Backlash.
(3)
Person apologizes for comments.
The
part I have a hard time with though isn’t listed. It falls between
2 and 3. That’s where the person has a moment of enlightenment,
realizes that they are wrong, and truly believes differently than
they did when they made the comments. They have changed, and they
are better for it.
And
the reason I have a hard time with that is because more often
than not, I don’t believe it happens.
A
true apology is found when there is some recognition of responsibility
and error. A person is disappointed with what they have done and
sincere in their remorse. In instances where we are talking about
opinions, beliefs and some actions—not examples where they broke
something they borrowed or such—an apology represents developing
a new understanding of a situation and accepting those understandings
as the truth. In short… saying I was wrong while also believing
I was wrong.
Do
you actually believe that forcing someone to say they’re sorry
creates that change? I hope not. Because I’m fairly certain that’s
not the way it works. In fact, I’d actually go with some sort
of backed-into-a-corner-fight mentality as more likely… meaning
a person might recognize the politically correct thing to do is
apologize and perhaps head out on the interview penance tour,
while silently they’re more convinced than ever that they believe
what they said.
There’s
a longer discussion to be had here. There’s a lot of ground I
can’t cover. For one, I refuse to head along the freedom of speech
and so what if it’s legal pathways that lead way, way, way off
the subject matter at hand. For another, I often wonder why certain
locations and people are considered accurate barometers of judgment
for any apology. And yet, these are valid considerations to think
of, and discussions worth at least acknowledging in possibility.
Instead,
I just want to finish with the idea that scripted, prepared, and
designed moments are quite often just that… fabricated. I’m likely
to believe a person’s first action/reaction is much more significant
and accurate than anything that was allowed to be crafted, deliberated
and considered. It’s an extension of the “actions speak louder
than words” philosophy.
Sure,
it’s nice to hear what you want to hear. It’s even nicer when
you can believe it.