By
and large, I’m not a big fan of weddings.
Ok…
we need to stop. Need a writer’s side note.
This
should not be interpreted as meaning I don’t like attending weddings,
don’t respect weddings, or in some way that I’m advocating all
of us have better things to do with four hours (or more) that
suddenly get swept aside and are gone for good by a ceremony and
reception.
I’m
fine with them overall. Invite Terry and I. We’ll try to be there.
And we will bring a nice gift (or at least a really nice card
with a check inside).
Instead…
and perhaps a summary claiming the good and the bad isn’t as accurate
a concept… it’s the rough waters of weddings that can drive me
a bit bonkers. In many cases obvious, but so often treated with
a shrug of the shoulders.
For
family and friends, the honors of a wedding are clear. Getting
invited to be a member of the wedding party sums it up nicely.
It’s kind of a status thing. And if you’re the best man or the
maid of honor… well… you don’t just toss descriptive words like
best and honor around all willy and nilly, do you? Of course not.
A
short time before I got married, I called up one of my best friends.
He lived out of state. I felt I owed him an explanation because
I wasn’t asking him to be in our wedding party.
“Bob,”
he said to bring an end to my apology, “stop. Stop right there.
We can’t wait to be at your wedding. But not asking me to be in
the wedding party is one of the best gifts anyone has ever given
me.”
It
was a bit of a lightbulb moment. At that point I hadn’t been overrun
by weddings in my life. Not a ton of people had begun getting
married, so the invitations were not stuffing my mailbox. I hadn’t
been faced with offers to be in wedding parties, or the additional
and considerable withdrawals from my savings for tuxedos, travels
and what we’ll simply call parties.
My
friend and I occasionally joke around about it to this day. He’s
still married to an incredible lady. Both of them were massive
parts of my college days, and my life since that time. Whenever
I’ve needed them, they’ve been there for me without hesitation.
(And occasionally at times when I’ve needed them but couldn’t
ask, or didn’t really know I needed a bit of support, they’ve
been there for those moments as well.)
He
came to our wedding with his wife and both of their kids. Drove
about six hours to be there. If he had been asked to rent a tux,
come earlier for special events or the rehearsal or whatever,
placed both of the kids with his wife to watch over while he participated
in the wedding service… the list goes on, but the point remains.
Yuck. He was thrilled for us, happy to be at the wedding, but
words don’t quite capture the exact level of relief associated
with being freed from the cost and time and commitment of being
honored with a place in the wedding party. He was much happier
being a guest raising a glass to us at the appropriate times.
And
I get that. I really do.
We
see it often enough. It’s not quite rare, not exactly common,
but it’s there. A bridezilla doesn’t seem to recognize that all
of her friends aren’t able to come up with the costs of a dress
and shoes. A supposedly happy couple that turns on invitees when
they send apologies because a destination wedding is too much
to undertake, and the betrothed can’t understand. The relationships
soured when journeying hundreds of miles for a bachelor party
one weekend, a jack and jill shower another weekend and a wedding
on yet another weekend can’t all be accounted for in one person’s
available time away from work so they need to pick just one.
I
think you see the idea here.
When
it comes to weddings, being happy for the happy couple can be
an incredibly complex thing to do.
Come
on, you can admit it. How many times has an invitation shown up
in your mail, and you’ve gazed at your significant other while
wanting to ask if you really had to go?
Have
you ever received an invite that was delivered in a way using
e-mails and online RSVPs and puzzles and registrations and all
sorts of wonderous joys that made the thing a real effort of hours
just to select the chicken?
I
know the answer. And you do too.
None
of us really enjoy the idea of being sat at a table with people
we’ve never met, even if we were given a choice of steak or lobster.
We could be watching television, reading a book or taking a nap.
Let’s be clear… attending a wedding for a couple, even a couple
you care tremendously about, is not the same as spending an afternoon
with that couple.
Ok…
I’ve been on a spiral for this. A downward spiral. I promised
good and bad. And the reality is, many weddings can be fantastic.
If
you know the bride and groom well, chances are good there will
be friends and family there that you do know. A mini reunion of
sorts and a chance to catch up with people you haven’t seen in
some time and care about tremendously.
When
the attendees are considered by the couple, services do not have
to be eighteen hours long, followed by seven hours of waiting
for the pictures to be done. They can be enjoyable events.
But
there is a trick. The bride and groom have to figure out how to
balance their big day against the sacrifices you are willing to
make to be there for it. When that happens, you have a shot at
a great wedding. When it doesn’t, well…